Just Be
by Can'tThinkOfaUsername
Summary: About Effy's reasons for how she acted in episode 5. Freddie/Effy


_This one's based more on how Effy see's things (in episode 5), whereas the last one was based more on how Freddie seen things (in episode 4). Anyway, basically another Freddie/Effy story._

They were getting on her nerves now. All of them. Cook, Pandora, her parents, all of them, everything. Everywhere she went there was noise. Useless chatter. Fighting. Or even worse, silence. Silence that screamed to her. Screaming reminders of what had happened in that place, or with that person. It was doing her head in. She didn't know where to go, but she just knew she had to go somewhere.

She didn't really know how she somehow ended up in Freddie's garden. She'd just been walking, trying to let everything around her just waft over her head. She'd realised the harder way how things can fall apart if you put your heart into them. If you care. If you try. She just was trying to ignore everything now. Anything new would just mess up even further the bombsite that was left in her brain.

Somewhere at the back of her mind, she must have remembered Cook telling her about Freddie's shed. Cook and Freddie and JJ's shed from when they were young. He'd babbled on about it one time when she wasn't really listening. But she'd payed enough attention to know that it sounded nice. His memories there were good. Subconciously, she'd led herself to somewhere with good memories that were still there. Memories that hadn't faded to almost irrelevance with change. Bad change. And the good memories weren't even hers.

As she became more aware of herself, sitting in someone elses back garden, wanting to see someone elses shed, she knew her mind must be pretty screwed up. But she didn't care. What was the point in caring? Just be, just be, just be. She told herself that when she didn't have a clue what to do, or when she didn't have a clue what she was doing. She used to be in control of herself. But not anymore. Half the time, she just went with whatever thought came into her head without even realising it. But she had to seem in control. She was a Stonem. She just had to. That was just about the only thing that still felt hers. She was still a Stonem. She still had to be strong.

She couldn't ignore all of her thoughts though, no matter how hard she tried. She was still a human and she still had feelings. And she knew that this human part of her brain must have also had something to do with why she was where she was. She did like Freddie. She did want to see him. And she was really kinda curious as to what his shed was like.

For a while, it was nice to just be in the garden. Somewhere new that didn't remind her of her own rubbish memories. It relaxed her. It calmed her down. Not that she ever really didn't seem calm. She didn't go mad like other people when they get frustrated. But she did go mad. The noise in her head became deafening, beneath her cool, careless mask, and she hated it. She was glad of the moment of silence. That way, she was more likely to kept her guard up and not reveal more of her true self than necessary. Because lately, her true self just seemed to mess everything up. And she didn't think she could handle any more mess. She didn't want to break another heart.

Freddie was cool. He didn't say much and she liked that. She felt comfortable, just there in the shed, away from everything. And it really was a pretty cool shed. But, of course, it couldn't last. They'd been interrupted by fire-breathing and noise. More noise. Cook. She didn't want to see him. She didn't want to be near him and she finally let him know. Freddie didn't want him there either. That was obvious. Why couldn't he just stand up for himself? It was his shed. Why did he let Cook tell him who he could and couldn't have in his own garden? She didn't really expect JJ to say anything. But she'd hoped Freddie would have been different. That had really annoyed her. But she couldn't let them see. She couldn't let herself care. She just had to go away. Wherever. What was the point in caring.

She headed back to the noise. She wasn't really paying attention to what her parents were saying. Or screaming. She knew how it would end. It made it slightly easier to just let the fighting wash over her. When Freddie came, she knew a normal person would either tell him its not a good time to visit, or take him away from the house. But she wasn't normal. She didn't care anymore. What was normality anyway? He said he thought they'd be good together. She thought so too. She wanted to be with him. He was decent and interesting, and he seemed to care about her, unlike all the other men she'd been with. But she had to control herself. She had to say no. She'd only hurt him. He didn't deserve that. She'd hurt him already. She could see that. She just had to hope he'd move on. He didn't deserved someone as screwed up as she was. She knew she wasn't good enough for him.

As he was leaving, the noise in her mind was so loud, she felt like her head was going to explode. Why couldn't things just be easy? Why was everything so complicated all the time? She didn't even know if she was ever going to see her dad again. He left with nothing but a stupid frying pan. Not as much as a goodbye or anything. She knew her mum would get all depressed again, like she did when Tony got hit by a bus. Tony wasn't there. She was still annoyed with Pandora. She couldn't even bring herself to think about Cook. And she'd just said no to the boy she liked. Great.

She only had one option really. She knew what everyone else would think about it. She'd heard the whispers. She was used to the gossip. None of them would ever understand. Everyone seemed to just know her as Tony Stonem's little sister. The little slut. If they wanted to see her that way, then fine. This wasn't about them, this wasn't even about her. This was about Freddie. She had to make see that she's not good enough for him. She had to make him see her with other men so maybe he'd back off and avoid getting really hurt. The look on his face when she walked into the pub with that random lad she didn't want to be with made her hate herself. But she had to pretend. She had to keep her guard up and just get on with it in the hope that it would all end ok. She put up with the random mans boring flirting for the evening, but her plan to keep Freddie free from heartbreak kinda went up in smoke. It wasn't even her fault, but she still felt terrible. How could Cook do that to him? She didn't know what to do. She pretended not to care, but told him one thing, in the hope that he'd listen, in the hope that he'd do what she did and try to ignore everything, 'Just be'.

The next day was bitter sweet. The most remote place she could think of, and he still managed to find her. It was clear he really cared about her. Her feelings for him were growing stronger too, no matter how hard she tried to hide them beneath the other clutter in her head. When he kissed her, she didn't want to let go. It was what they both wanted. But it wasn't right. How could it be right? She was a heartbreaker. Everything she'd put her heart into had ended badly. She couldn't risk breaking his heart. She didn't deserve him. He deserved someone safer, someone less likely to ruin everything. That kiss had lingered on her lips for moments after. He was special. Too special for her.

She didn't love Freddie. She didn't think she loved anyone. She'd been let down too many times for that. She loved her brother maybe. But he wasn't there, was he? She wanted to just walk down the street and see him there again. He could tell her what to do. Actually, he could do whatever he liked and she'd still feel better. She just wanted to feel safe again with someone who cared about her and who she cared about. She missed having her big brother around, but there wasn't much she could do about it now. Anyway, she didn't love Freddie. She refused to allow herself to make that emotional attachment to anyone anymore. But she did like him. Quite a lot actually. And she could tell he liked her too. Quite a lot actually. And she knew she had to do whatever she could to stop his like for her from turning into love. She couldn't let him love her. Her own life was already in a complete mess, she didn't care about hurting herself more. She cared about him, and from her own experience, she knew that love ends with heartbreak. She couldn't do that do him. Like becoming heartbreak was a whole lot easier than love becoming heartbreak.

The sight of his face staring up into her window made her want to cry. His helpless eyes, his confused, disappointed expression. Cook's warm breath on her neck turned her stomach. The way he ran his big, cold fingers along her neck, the way he stared out at Freddie with a mocking smirk, the way he couldn't care less about anyone but himself. She hated it all. She couldn't stand to do this anymore. But she had to. She felt dead inside. Just empty. As far removed from herself as possible and she let Cook control her. As far as heartbreak goes, this was pretty bad. She'd probably never hurt anyone more in all her sixteen long years. But it was for Freddie's sake. The sooner he realised that she was no good, the better it was for his sake. She'd just have to live with it. Nothing mattered anymore. What was the point in caring anymore. Just be. Just be. Just be.


End file.
